Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
