I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
