i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize