eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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