Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woke up backwards on a recliner
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
