Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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