You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
