A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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