Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
