I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
