I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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