I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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