i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
