first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
