I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
