some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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