the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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