I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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