I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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