worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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