Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
