I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize