My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
