Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
