Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
