so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
