Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
