He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
