Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
