I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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