my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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