dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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