I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Randomize
