walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
