we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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