oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
