girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
