We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
