..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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