shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
