I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
