Just fell off a train. Bad.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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