I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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