Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
