I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
