She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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