So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
