Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
