I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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