Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
