My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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