careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
