Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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