He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
