I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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