We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize