you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
