Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
