all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
