Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
