you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
