He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
