My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
