I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
