the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
