I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
