it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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