There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
People with herpes should wear stickers.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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