Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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