you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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