I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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