You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
